Turn up for the books

I'm all loved up and I love it, even though apparently I'm a grumpy git. I'm very tired and definitely need some sleep (starting my shift at 8am has totally shafted up my bodyclock), but despite this I still have the energy left to love. Ahhhhhhh.

This post is in tribute to Mrs Lagomorph. I never fail to be astounded by your beauty and intelligence, and I am always completely in awe of how bloody annoyingly talented you are! That however, is just one of the billions of wonderful little pieces of amazingness that makes you who you are, and in case you are at all worried:

1. You WILL get a brilliant job that you actually want.
2. You WILL always have me here.
3. So there.

The 3D piece you have just finished, despite it being the first 3D thing you've ever done, is bloody brilliant. And the music thing you are doing at the moment, despite it also being the first music thing you've ever done, is bloody great too. I don't know how you do it. I honestly don't, because as you know, I'm thick.

But most of all, I'm the luckiest bloke in the world because I have you (you who thinks Garfield & Friends is 'sardonic'), and I feel it so strongly that I'm not afraid to let the whole wide Blog community know, even though I am quite possibly going to be lampooned to kingdom come for being such a soppy bastard.

But who cares? I LOVE YOU, WILL DO FOREVER, AND THAT, AS THEY SAY, IS THAT.

The end.

Let the lampooning commence.

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As an afterthought, I also love sun-dried tomatoes. Just not in the same way, obviously.

Charts

I was unfortunate enough to watch a rather large swathe of VH1's '500 Great British Songs' over the Easter weekend. It started honestly enough, with the hope that maybe some good songs would be anywhere near where they really should be in the grand scheme of things. But as more and more George Michael, Elton John and Robbie Williams dross grabbed said chart by the knackers and squeezed the life out of it, the more I started to lose my faith in humanity's varied and frightening boat and all who sail in her. Can this honestly be a true reflection of what the majority of the general public (whoever they are) believe is good music? The nadir was reached when Will Young's 'Leave Right Now' was found entrenched at the lofty pinnacle of number 15. Number 15! To put this travesty in a clearer light, Will was fifty places higher than 'Blue Monday' by New Order, and almost one hundred and fifty places higher than 'Space Oddity' by David Bowie. I mean, what the fuck? Who the hell compiled this list? What were the exact criteria they utilised to come to this cataclysmic conclusion?

I'm still in shock.

And so, as a form of exorcism I suppose, I sat down last night and decided to compile some charts of my own. A top five hundred was out of the question because, when all is said and done, it would take me bloody ages to come to any sort of ordered list on that kind of magnitude. I'd be lucky if I could even think of five hundred songs. So I kept it simple. Three top tens: Films, Albums, and Artists (you can take their whole back catalogue!) all looked at from the classic Desert Island Discs viewpoint. So here we go, time to put my taste in the public domain. And I must stress that these top tens are in no particular order. That's another post entirely.

Films

Se7en
Star Wars: A New Hope
Lord Of The Rings (all three)
Spirited Away
The Matrix
The Blair Witch Project
Withnail & I
Priscilla, Queen Of The Desert
Grosse Pointe Blank
Man On The Moon

Albums

Pavement - Slanted & Enchanted
The Flaming Lips - The Soft Bulletin
Ride - Going Blank Again
Queens Of The Stone Age - Songs For The Deaf
Radiohead - Hail To The Thief
Kings Of Convenience - Riot On An Empty Street
The Beatles - Abbey Road
Elliott Smith - Either/Or
Goldie - Timeless
LTJ Bukem - Logical Progression

Artists

Underworld
New Order
Bob Dylan
The Smiths
The Flaming Lips
Ride
The Stone Roses
Bjork
Neil Young
Radiohead
(REM fell off the back of this chart, let down by their last album. Upsetting.)

So there we go. That's my soul well and truly bared for all the world to see. Notice how Keane aren't in there, anywhere. Or Will Young. If anybody fancies mailing me with their top tens in no particular order fell free and I'll put them on here. It'll be nice for me to get a realistic impression of what my fellow bloggies love and cherish, so if you fancy it either chuck your lists in the comments box, or email me.

And I still haven't got a notebook.

I feel like a new man!

Not really.

But isn't the new decor nice? I'm particularly fond of the orange. Goes just dandily with the turquoise.

There's not been an awful lot happening round here recently, apart from clocks going forward, but I think that happened everywhere, which kind of nullifies the uniqueness of the event. In regards to more intellectual matters, I think I'm going to learn about web programming as well as how to make cupboards. It's something that interests me, and there's a reasonable amount of money in it, so anything that broadens my knowledge and experience base and pays well is a good thing in my book. When I'm done I'm going to be one multi-skilled mofo.

I worked Friday, because I just can't say no. Overtime is, however, always quite useful, and this time it was extraordinarily useful as I got paid TRIPLE TIME! Can't every day be a bank holiday? Please? One day I might get paid enough to not need to do overtime. Pipe dreams, eh. Do they ever come true?

Continuing my theme of showing you lot all the bloody excellent stuff I find on this here interweb thing, I have some more cool bananas for your delectation today. Two things to be precise. But before I divulge my goods, I'd just like to say to everyone who is using a 56k modem, what the hell are you doing?? Sort it out, man! You are living in the dark ages, and unless you really get a lot of pleasure from waiting 45 minutes for a 3-minute video to download, I heartily suggest you upgrade your connection now. I mean, gaaaawd, this is, like, the twenty-first century and all that. Get a bloody move on!

So anyway, firstly we have the new Beck video, E-Pro. This is effectively two things rolled into one, as the song is brilliant and the video is brilliant. Result! Secondly we have a modern classic (which I have been searching for for absolutely fecking ages, and had virtually given up until I stumbled upon it almost completely by accident last night. Oh thankyou God! I can die a happy man now) from Queens Of The Stone Age. It's the video to Go With The Flow, and is yet another example of how it is possible to have a great song and a great video at the same time. Take a moment to enjoy them, and make sure you turn your amp/stereo/shit computer speakers up to maximum to get the full effect. Lovely. And in case you didn't know, there is a link between the two vids. They're both by the same bunch of incredibly clever chaps/lucky bastards (delete as applicable). These fellows are known as Shynola, and are responsible for all sorts of things you've probably definitely seen but wouldn't have had the foggiest unless I hadn't just told you. They did some things for that Nathan Barley program (which I liked because for once it made me laugh at and about London, rather than cry) and have been doing some things for the Hitchhikers Guide To The Galaxy film. Basically, they get about. And I'm very jealous.

I sometimes feel the need for a sing-a-long, so today I shall share the lyrics of a couple of my favourite ever songs with the world. Feel free to join in.

1. Fiddlers Dram - Day Trip To Bangor

Didn't we have a lovely time the day we went to Bangor
A beautiful day, we had lunch on the way and all for under a pound you know
But on the way back I cuddled with Jack and we opened a bottle of cider
Singing a few of our favourite songs as the wheels went around

Do you recall the thrill of it all as we walked along the sea grand
Then on the sand we heard a brass band that played the Diddlely-Bump-Terrara
Elsie and me had one cup of tea then we took a Paddler boat out
Splashing away as we sat on the bay and the wheels went 'round

Didn't we have a lovely time the day we went to Bangor
A beautiful day, we had lunch on the way and all for under a pound you know
But on the way back I cuddled with Jack and we opened a bottle of cider
Singing a few of our favourite songs as the wheels went around

Wasn't it nice, eating chocolate ice as we strolled around the fun-fair
Then we ate eels in big ferris wheels as we sailed around the ground but then
We had to be quick 'cause Elsie felt sick and we had to find somewhere to take her
I said to her lad, what made her feel bad was the wheel going 'round

Didn't we have a lovely time the day we went to Bangor
A beautiful day, we had lunch on the way and all for under a pound you know
But on the way back I cuddled with Jack and we opened a bottle of cider
Singing a few of our favourite songs as the wheels went around

Elsie and me, we finished our tea and said goodbye to the seaside
Got on the bus, Flo said to us, oh isn't it a shame to go
Wouldn't it be grand to have cash on demand and to live like this for always
Oh it makes me feel ill, when I think of the mill and the wheels goin' 'round

Wasn't that pleasant? Time for some more I think.

2. Flanders & Swann - The Gnu Song

A year ago, last Thursday I was strolling in the zoo
when I met a man who though he knew the lot.
He was laying down the law about the habits of Baboons
And how many quills a porcupine has got.
So I asked him: 'What's that creature there?'
He answered: 'Oh, H'it's a H'elk'
I might of gone on thinking that was true,
If the animal in question hadn't put that chap to shame
And remarked: 'I h'aint a H'elk. I'm a Gnu!'

'I'm a Gnu, I'm a Gnu
The g-nicest work of g-nature in the zoo
I'm a Gnu, How do you do
You really ought to k-now w-ho's w-ho's
I'm a Gnu, Spelt G-N-U
I'm g-not a Camel or a Kangaroo
So let me introduce,
I'm g-neither man nor moose
Oh g-no g-no g-no I'm a Gnu'

I had taken furnished lodgings down at Rustington-on-Sea
Whence I travelled on to Ashton-under-Lyne it was actually
And the second night I stayed there I was woken from a dream
That I'll tell you all about some other time
Among the hunting trophies on the wall above my bed
Stuffed and mounted, was a face I thought I knew;
A Bison? No, it's not a Bison. An Okapi? Unlikely, Really. A Hartebeest?
When I though I heard a voice: 'I'm a Gnu!'

I'm a Gnu, ,A g-nother gnu
I wish I could g-nash my teeth at you!
I'm a Gnu, How do you do
You really ought to k-now w-ho's w-ho.
I'm a Gnu Spelt G-N-U,
Call me Bison or Okapi and I'll sue
G-nor am I the least
Like that dreadful Hartebeest,
Oh, g-no, g-no, g-no,
G-no g-no g-no I'm a Gnu
G-no g-no g-no I'm a Gnu

It's very G-nice of you.

Well that really was quite spiffing don't you think? Takes me back to the heady days of youth, the days when I wasn't afraid to admit that I thought Ivor The Engine was pretty cool, and the days when, even though I didn't have the faintest idea who Benny Hill was, I could be 100% confident in my belief that Ernie definitely drove the fastest milkcart in the west. I even remember thinking that jigsaws were a top notch way to pass the time. We live and we learn don't we?

Here's something that took my fancy.
She must go through shitloads of Pantene.

And last but not least, what does it say about you when, completely subconsciously, you redecorate your website in the same colours as your trainers?

All Change

Check it out.

Not much different I know, but then I'm short on time.
What can you do?

Size matters

Hello,

I need your help people.
I have suddenly been made aware (by looking with mine own eyes) of the fact that for some bloody reason my website thing that you are looking at with your googly eyes, for they are googly, does not adjust its pants accordingly to fit different monitor screen sizes.
This worries me.
At home I have a spanking great 19" monitor and everything looks just peachy, but at work I have a cruddy little 15 (or is it 17?) inch ogglebox, and with that bastard nowt fits the bleeding screen. And this worries me.
How do I fix this? Does everyone else with anything other than a 19 incher not see my site the way it should be seen?
TELL ME!!
TELL ME NOW!!!
AND IF YOU KNOW HOW TO FIX IT TELL ME THAT TOO!!!!!
Please. I'd be much obliged.
Yours sincerely,

Timothy

Be Inspired

I'm feeling saucy and I want the whole world to be saucy too. Invariably though, the world isn't. I can't but try, eh? So seeing as I am constantly surrounded and inspired by funky, stimulating and fascinating art/music/design/film (delete as applicable), I feel that it is only right to keep bombarding whoever may care to read this shit with loads of top quality material. Aren't I nice? I recently purchased an excellent digital versatile disk for my lovely lady, which was made by a company called onedotzero. You may have heard of them, you may not. They deal in cutting edge film and animation, and seem to feel that it is their mission to let the whole world know that there are a lot of talented people out there. Well, now I'm here to help too. I'm gonna do my best to find all the stuff on the DVD for you! So firstly, check out these guys. From the link go to Nakd - Fly, then sit back and enjoy. After that, I'd like you to have a look at this. You need to search a bit, but hidden away in all the Flash mumbo jumbo (top notch mumbo jumbo, mind) is a thing called Drummachine. It's utterly brilliant, and I haven't a fucking clue how they do it. Okay, that's a lie. I do have a bit of an idea. But bugger me, it's still bloody entertaining. Next, check this out. It's called What Barry Says, it's a bit topical, political, what have you, as well as generally a bit swish. I like! Up next we have Plates Animation, whoever they are. Look at the Mogwai video. The quality of the download ain't all that, but the work is right up there, so stop your whinging. Gits.

I tried to find the Fat Bros video by +Cruz, Peng, Fan but had no luck, so have included a picture for you instead (left). This one isn't on the thingy, but I'm putting it in anyway cos I like it. For those of you who don't understand the internet, click on the thing that says WATCH MOVIE. The bloke who did it is called Dan Chambers, and he has an animation called Tube Mice on the onedotzero DVD. He's obviously a somewhat talented chap methinks.

Lastly, something not on the DVD, and yes, it's another Chemical Brothers/Michel Gondry collaboration. It's old but it's great. And again, I've really honestly not got the foggiest fuckin' idea how you would even go about starting organising this kind of thing. I mean blimey, I have trouble with Blogger and Photoshop. In this instance I'll keep doing what I do best (what is that exactly Timothy?) and leave the other stuff to the professionals. It's for the best.

Now, I don't know if you've ever seen a site called Ebola Monkey Man, but I have and it's very funny, if slightly politically incorrect (it is American, so there you go). The basic premise revolves around those ridiculously lame scam emails that get randomly sent out from somewhere deep in the heart of the Gambia, begging you to help them give you lots of money. The bloke who developed the site got sick of all these crap emails so decided to email back and lead the scammers up the garden path. It's great, it really is. Some of the funniest stuff on the net. And there's lots of it, so if you're going to have a read be warned, it's not something you can skim.

Anyway, the point of me telling you all this, is that yesterday (DRUM ROLL!!) I received my first ever scam email!! I can't tell you how stupidly happy I was. I'm still so happy I think I'll share it with you:

Dear Beloved,

Calvary greetings in the precious name of our lord Jesus christ.
Beloved, i sincerely plead with you not to take offence with me for my attitudeof asking for your assistance, i believe that the Lord will surely reward you as the bible says in Gal 6:10"As we have there fore opportunity, let us do good unto all men, especially unto them who are of the house hold of faith"

I am Kodila Basungama Julien,from the republic of congo Kinshasa.
I am an orphan that grew up in kinshasa and i decided to travel to Burkinafaso for a better standard life.
I got to Burkinafaso and i began to work as a steward in the house of a great politician called pierre badiel.
My boss became very successful and finally left politics to relocate with the entire famil to Norway.
In Norway i found favor in the sight of my boss, he sent me to school and took care of me like his own biological son.
I was everybody favourite,and this was due to my commitment in fellowship with the almighty GOD, as i am a devoted Christian since i received JESUS CHRIST as my personal lord and savior in the year 1980.
My boss became very sick, and was diagnose with the cancer of the lungs,this sickness lasted for 7 years and he finally died last year on the 9th of oct.(may his soul dwell in perfect peace) On the 5th of janauary very big lawyer of my boss came from Africa, to disclose the will of my boss to everyone.
To my greatest surprise half of his will was allocated to me. He gave me his money that amounted to millions of dollars and some wonderful properties in Africa.
But i was not too happy because the money was too much for me alone, so i suggested to my boss wife that half of the funds should go for her and her children and the rest for me.
My beloved little did i know that the wife of my boss family and some other relatives of my boss are planning to kill me. All of a sudden i became there enemy.
They told me that i have bewitched my boss and that am a wizard, that i have spiritually charmed him, and that was why he gave me half of his will.
I was then advised to leave the premises for savety,the lawyer called me on the telephone and asked me if I am ready to go through the process of receiving my inheritance, I declined and i told him all that the inheritancehad caused.
The lawyer told me to be strong and courageous and advised me to stand for my right.
He made me to understand that that everything is in the power of his hands,that he can give me what rightly belongs to me, the documents of the properties and some vital informations about the funds,where they are located and all are in the power of his hands.
But the lawyer advised me to put the funds in my fathers account or in the account of my relative for a while for security reasons.
I have confessed and I told him my life history, that i dont know who my parents are nether do I know any relative, but i promised the lawyer that I will get someone and then get back to him.
I told some of my close friends to please help and receive the fund, but they are afraid and they said that the money is too much for them to keep in there account.
I therefore did not stop there, I took another step of faith to put it in writing and to send it to as many people as i can on the internet until i get someone who is ready to help.
I need someone to help keep this funds for a while, I need someone that will help me walk with the lawyer to secure this inheritance.
But i need a man full of love and sincerity, an upright man filled with the wisdom of GOD.
If you are in that category please indicate by replying my mail and if you are not, please dont reply me.

N.B please note that if i dont reply your mail after a week, it means that i have found someone to help me.

Thanks for taking your time to read my mail.

GOD bless u real good.

Julien Kodila.

A bit long isn't it? But all worth it for that closing line. GOD bless u real good! I almost wet myself. Soooooo.... Should I email him in an Ebola Monkey Man stylee? Or should I tell him to fuck off? Or is he a good honest God-fearing chap who I should help out?
Hmm.

If anyone has an opinion, I'd like to hear it.

In other news, I think we may have sold one of the TV's. Some bloke called Marvin who lives in Kemp Town wants it, and also wants me to deliver it. He said he'll pay extra if I do. Apparently he doesn't get out much and has no transport, so as it's not far, and what with me being the kind and generous pillar of the community that I am... well, it's the least I can do. But I must say that it does seem slightly weird. I mean, it's not that far away, and buses go up that way all the time. So I'm going in the middle of the afternoon when there'll actually be people about (as long as someone can hear my screams I stand a good chance of being rescued). I'm also gonna be packing my trusty pepper spray, and I'll make sure that I have snipers positioned on the roofs of the buildings opposite to take Marvin out if he tries to endanger my life. Just in case like.

I'd also quickly like to apologise to Crumb and Bonobo, AKA The Mighty Love. I'm rather slow on the uptake these days, and so am currently deliberating over when to get concerned about possibly giving a toss about updating my sidebar links. I will/may do it eventually, but can't promise anything, so here's your link lads. Anyone who hasn't read these guys yet, GO THERE NOW. It's good ganja.

Finally, the bunny had her nails trimmed, ears, eyes, tummach and teeth checked, and her bum cleaned by the vet today. She's in fine fettle (is that how you spell it?), and the vet referred to her as "a fine looking beast" which, we can whole-heartedly concur, she most certainly is. The receipt for the visit, however, did make me chuckle:



A manicure? For a bunny? Only in Brighton could this happen...

Bumear

I really have to get myself a notebook or something. I promised myself a good couple of months back - it may have been Christmas in fact - that I would do this, and still I haven't. I'm crap, but then I knew that already. I've had some fascinating diatribes occuring to me all over the shop this week, yet can I remember them when the vital time is upon me? The moment I come to sit down and try to get in the Blogzone (I made that up) it's all gone. Stage fright I would probably naively assume. It's a curse. There must be something you can take for this kind of thing, not that I would know, me not being a Mr. Pharmacist (one for the Fall fans among us) or doctor. I could tell you loads about trailing interest though. It's REALLY INTERESTING. Honest. But I'm not a financial advisor, so before you even think about emailing me with your mortgage details, please bogwash yourself. Hands up if you ever got bogwashed. No-one? I don't believe you. I for one have never been bogwashed, and have also never been in a fight. I'm that scary.

One thing I do remember is that I found these two things when I was feeling slightly excited (don't go getting funny ideas, okay?) the other day.

Item number 1.
Item number 2.

I like them. Things that make me wonder always get the juices flowing.

This week has been animated movie week. Saw Ice Age and Monsters Inc. Both brilliant. They may be kids films, but they still rocked. In fact most kids films are amazing. Apart from Care Bears: The Movie. That did not rock. And on the same topic, if anyone hasn't seen The Incredibles, what have you been doing???? See it. Now.

I would write more and go into lengthy detail about the varied and wonderful contents of my enormously huge pulsating brain, but I can't be bothered. It's late. I need sleep.

I need to set a time to do this. A time when I'm not normally thinking "what is the point?".

And I need a notebook.

This is gonna get better, you just watch.

While I remember, Nigel Flevans, here is my email address. Here. Mail me, I'll mail you my address, and then you can send me some of your new stuff. It's a simple plan, so cheers in advance.

And look at this. It always makes me laugh. A bloke I used to work with does it. He was never that funny in the flesh though, which I find a mite confusing. People eh? You can't trust them.

NEWS FLASH!!! NEWS FLASH!!! NEWS FLASH!!! NEWS FLASH!!! NEWS FLASH!!!

In what is an unbelievably shit state of affairs, the probably innordinately wonderful Fall gig we were due to attend this very evening HAS BEEN EFFING CANCELLED!

I am, in my own oft quoted words, not happy to say the least. I know you were all dying of anticipation to read my review, so I'm sorry. It's nothing to do with me, but someone has to be the fall guy (yuk yuk) and that someone is yours truly.

The gig has been rescheduled for April 3rd, so put a note in your diaries.

And lastly something completely unconnected. Why the hell does the postman, when trying to deliver a package to you and finding you not in so he then has to drop a note through the door for you to go and collect it, drop said note with the words "Sorry, you were out" on it through the door? Call me pedantic but what the fucking hell are the Royal Mail apologising for? I'm out. It's not their fault. Neither they, nor the afore-mentioned postman are responsible for my not being there, SO WHY THE BLOODY HELL ARE THEY SAYING SORRY??? It may appear that I'm getting rather over-emotional about this, but this kind of thing is indicative of the dogs dinner our so-called 'culture' has become. It's so annoying to me that this once great country seems to be full to the brim with, on one side, a bunch of stupid, lazy, rude, unproductive and unappreciative bumheads, and on the other side a bunch of stupidly nice, apologetic, thoughtful, kind and therefore downtrodden wimps. Why no middle ground? Either you get someone who says sorry when you hold a door open for them, as if they are imposing on you and your arm, or you get some bastard who doesn't say anything. HELP.

Rant over. I'm gonna go and watch Agent Dale Cooper eat pie in Twin Peaks.

Frigging Vandals

This should get you in the mood:



Nice!

Some bastard brainless knobhead with the brain of a plankton which to be honest is being nasty and disrespectful to plankton took a shine to one of our plant pots out the front of the flat and lobbed it down the stairs. What a rubbish thing to do. Almost ruined my Saturday. What drives a person to do this? Is it drink? Is it drugs? Is it Mcdonalds? Or is it (NO!!!) human nature? Tell me your views.

I keep seeing birds (the ones that fly about) shagging. It's slightly worrying because they do it very near the ground and I get worried that I'm going to tread on them. I saw some green birds getting it on last week, and was extra-disorientated as I thought I knew what they were, but wasn't sure. I'm not afraid to say that I used to be in the YOC (Young Ornithologists Club, part of the RSPB - google search it if you don't know) and was once the proud owner of The Observers Book of Birds. I used to know what pretty much any bird in the UK looked like and had a vague idea what it sounded like due to the handy descriptions in the book, but now I haven't got a clue. This, for me, is upsetting. I think they were Greenfinches, but then some annoying voice in my brain says "Tim, that doesn't sound like a bird. That's a stupid name." And I don't know whether or not to believe it! Help me please! If anyone knows anything about birds or where I can get the book in question I will love you forever.

Off to see The Fall on Friday, and I'm looking forward especially to not understanding a fucking thing Mark E Smith says. I'll tell whoever cares to listen how it goes at the weekend.

I have to have a bath, but before I adjourn to the warm soapy goodness may I draw your attention to the fluffy behemoth in the sidebar. At the top. Everyone say ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Worship at the shrine of the lagomorph (Big Fella watch out, your days are numbered).

And please watch the film Elephant by Gus Van Sant. It's based on the tragedy at Columbine High School and it's really really good. Really good. I was impressed. To say the least. Right then.