April 06, 2005

The First Post

I thought you'd like to know that I went to the dentists today, and I only need three fillings! Score! And my gums no longer bleed. On second thoughts, you probably didn't want to know that. Oh well, I'm sure you'll cope.

On to more important things. I'm extremely happy to present to you today, what I hope will be the first of many, many more guest posts from the adorable and extremely sexy MRS LAGOMORPH!!! YAYYYY!!! (In a Kermit the Frog stylee):

Hello, good evening and welcome to my first post. I notice that Mr Lagomorph’s musings are entertaining at least 3 people on a daily basis, so I have to make this vaguely good or the readership might flag.

Right. Where to start... hmm, with a moan about chavs I think. Of late the word ‘chav’ has been added to the dictionary, of all places. Since being added to the dictionary, people throughout Britain have taken to calling everyone under the sun a chav. I find this particularly disappointing. The word chav comes from ‘chava’, which I first heard muttered over a decade ago in Kent, the garden of England, ha! A chava is a special breed of plebian. They are pretty easy to spot in a crowd, it must be said, BUT! the spread of this word is getting pretty convoluted, something like this post. The fire of my annoyance with this phenomenon has been gradually burning away but was stoked by VH1 recently. Stoke, stoke. [Check out the metaphor. ] It was showing a programme called something like ‘Ultimate Chavs’. So, I turn it on, expecting a chav or two and who do I see?? The Spice Girls. OMG, no! No, no, no, no, no! The Spice Girls are not chavs!

So, to help out the makers of VH1 and anyone else, I need to define and exemplify what makes a chav. M’kay. One great reference is www.chavscum.com but a quick list of pointers will henceforth follow…

  • Chavs only wear GOLD jewellery, also known as ‘bling’, they adorn themselves with copious amounts of catalogue shop crap. Earrings are mostly enormous golden hoops.
  • Chavs favourite hats are baseball caps, preferably with logo.
  • Logos also feature heavily on their clothes. Generally, it's brands such as Nike, and Kappa. Sports clothes are a chav’s favourite attire, lots of baggy tracksuits and sweatshirts. Whole outfits in one pattern, normally Burberry, are not uncommon.
  • Hair is gacked up with gel for the boys and scraped back into a ponytail or badly permed for the girls.
  • Shoes can be ugly and over-the–top trainers or stupidly large platforms for the ladies.
  • Girls must also wear crop tops in any season of the year, whether there’s bright sunshine or heavy snow. And crop tops can be accompanied with the protruding belly of a teenage pregnancy.
  • Diet constitutes of McDonalds, Wimpy, KFC or any greasy chicken shop, kebab meat, chewing gum, fizzy drink or cheap lager/cider.
  • Voices are of a particular pitch and frequency which cuts through you like a knife and stays with you like a haunting melody... ok, not exactly, but basically they are loud, incoherent, and annoying.
  • 9 times out of 10 they are the person who slashed your tires, robbed your gran, pissed on your doorstep, left fag butts and rubbish all over the town, drunkenly shouted and screamed at 1am and generally annoyed the crap out of you.

Chavs are not to be confused with ‘pikeys’ or people with no taste. This is where many people fall down.


NOT a shot from the Lagomorph family album.

Pikeys can be chavs, but are generally just scruffy lookin’ nurfherders in bomber jackets. They are people who predominantly look like they don’t wash. I have been trying to think of a famous example of a pikey. Mr Lagomorph suggested Shaun Ryder from the Happy Mondays. I would agree with this.
Then there are the people with no taste. I class the Spice Girls in this category. There are a wealth of famous people with no taste; Mariah Carey, Michael Jackson, Elton John, etc, etc.

So, remember the chav rules next time you are contemptuously stereotyping the people around you! Chavs are special, let’s keep them that way.

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