April 15, 2005

The Swampy Ceremony!

The throbbing gathered masses bay for blood!

How exciting. It's finally speech time and, most importantly, time for the winners to recieve their awards!

So first up we have Jamie, of 10 Signs Like This fame, who is the fabulous winner of the Best Blog This Month award:



*surreptitiously adjusts uncomfortable dress*

What is a blog, really?

*sound of microphone feeding back*

The answer is that it can be many things, and I'm not sure my blog is any of them. There is no purity of mission; it is just a place where my scattered thoughts and (often) fattening recipes find a home in print.

Thank you to the Long Lost one for this honor, and for the opportunity to write whatever the hell I want, whenever the hell I want, which is (believe you me) sweet relief from writing articles about textiles and small businesses (and sometimes small textile businesses), which is what I do in Real Life.

And a big "BITE ME" to bosses everywhere who believe that anything composed on a company computer is solely the property of the company. You are not my problem anymore, but you are A Problem nevertheless. Feed your employees' creativity and they will repay you in kind.

Thank you.

Fantastic! Next up it's Martin, otherwise known as My Dad, because it's alien to me to call him Martin, graciously recieving both the Best Intellectual Blog award, and the Best Blog That Mentions This Blog award:

Here is my speech. Where is the podium?

Well, I’ll go the foot of our stairs! (For the benefit of foreigners reading this, that is an expression of great English surprise. It’s obvious, when you think about it. It’s surprising what you find at the foot of your stairs. Today I found a rabbit. I was surprised because I live in a one bedroom flat with no stairs.) Well, here I am at the foot of the stairs and what can I say? I knew I would win one thing, because my son was the judge. But two!!! He must be after something. Money, perhaps.

In some ways I am not a true pure blogger, because I run my site as a poetry magazine with blog elements and music stuff and some ramblings. But what the hell. A prize is a prize, and what do prizes mean? Points. Yes. And I have two prizes, so I am twice that. On the other hand, I bet nobody else thinks to give the rest of their speech in a foreign language, let nooit op een vreemde taal die zij niet zelfs spreken. Maar ik ben blijkbaar een intellectueel, en zodat is om het even wat mogelijk. Tot slot zou ik enkel al mijn lezers, mijn ouders, mijn kinderen, mijn ex-vrouwen, mijn ex-partners, mijn ex-minnaars, mijn ex-fantasieën, mijn existentiële vrienden willen danken wat van wie nog, de Eenzame Boswachter, Marc Bolan, Frank O'Hara, Sherlock Holmes, Mevr. Baxter, Samuel Taylor Coleridge, en alle leden bestaan, afgelopen en huidig, van de Tienerclub van de Ventilator.

Dank u. Het is geweest een genoegen.

That was... different. But oh so gracious.
Next it's... The Mighty Love, AKA The Mighty Crumb AKA Tim, and Bonobo Love AKA Rob - not confusing at all - accepting their Best Manly Blog award with a certain panache. Crumby first:

Thanks for this - I for one am honoured.
I think it's only right that the acceptance speech should be a split effort so I will put forward the first paragraph and let Bonobobobono finish it off.
''We really weren't expecting to come through in such a hotly contested category. Especially with a weblog for which inspiration was taken from Ace of Base track 'The Sign' and is essentially the brainchild of a crack-smoking, one-eared woodlice farmer from Droitwich and his estranged hairy wife. I would therefore like to take this opportunity to salute the other nominees with one figure and have a very large scotch''
Over to you gitface.

*spotlight turns on, walks out onto stage in a glittery blue tuxedo holding hands with an orangutan wearing an "I'm with Stupid" t-shirt*

*TINK!- spotlight's bulb goes*

(Ach, curses! Where am I? Where's that monkey guide! ..Ah! I can feel the microphone! Brilliant! Ok, now.. aw damn! I can't read my specially prepared speech!.. Never mind, I've remembered the best bits! Here goes;.. shit I'm so nervous I think I've followed through!)

"Good evening fellow bloggers. On behalf of myself and m'collegue Crumb, who for tax reasons could not be present at this time, we at 'The Mighty Love' thank you very much TLLO for the highly regarded title of Best Manly Blog. This all began back in-

*power cut*

Beautiful I say! Well done lads.
And I believe that it's somewhat poetic to follow that with PPQ, or Queenie, stepping up to the podium to collect her award for Best Womanly Blog:

*Wanders in wearing a pink meringue a la Gwyneth Paltrow blubbing away*

Thank you
Thank you so much...

I'd like to thank all my fans, my ma and pa and brothers, all my friends, my school teachers, my flatmates, the little green men who dance around in my wardrobe at night, I'd like to thank LLO for making me a winner....and most of all I'd like to thank Gawwwwd, because without him, this would not be possible....

Classy, tres classy.
And it's swiftly on to the award for Best Informative Blog. I proudly present to you... Blue Witch!

Erm...what can I say?

Vote for The Blue Witch Party!

And - as for a speech, I don't do those, so...

"Thank you, you are too kind."

And now for the winner of the least hotly contested award ever, the Best Funny Blog award. It's drD!!!

I'm honoured indeed - as is my pussy.
Thankyou to all who didn't vote for me - I love yous all.

Now, the proud winner of the Best Most Difficult To Contextualise Blog: the very confusingly named Beth!

It’s the first time I’ve won* anything since I came second in a Walt Disney drawing competition at Butlins when I was, oh, less than ten. The girl who won was fourteen, so I felt the moral victory was mine. I didn’t know it was called a ‘moral victory’ at the time, obviously, I wasn’t precocious or anything. I just remember how it felt – Good! I drew a picture of The Aristocats, copied from the wrapper of a Nestles “Aristocats” chocolate bar. But anyway, I may be digressing, and the light telling me I’ve only got 10 seconds left is starting to flash.

So, thank you for bestowing the great honour of an inaugural ‘Swampy’ upon Girlonatrain. I will treasure it and look forward to the challenge of remaining obscure for a further twelve months.

(*I won a Dinasour book. Some of the illustrations were so frightening I couldn’t look at them for years.)

I'm speeding up now, because a) it's Friday night, b) I'm getting hassled for taking ages, and c) award ceremonies are too long anyway.
So to cut it short, here is the wonderful human being known as Creepy Lesbo, here to collect her award for Best Most Deserving Of A Fanclub Blog:

Huzzah! Although never try to picture me unless you visualise me wearing a pirate patch with a knife in my mouth, a rabbit on my shoulder and a shout of 'Avast behind, yarrr me hearties!'

I don't know what she's going on about, but then that's probably half the appeal wouldn't you say?
Fittingly, here is her master, Big Fella, to accept the Best Rabbit-Filled Blog award - the Lagomorph's top award!

Pathetic human slaves. You do not impress me with your tiresome attempts at recieving bunny loving attention. You will not get it from me. If, however, that fluffy young lagomorph fancies sharing a sprig of dill at mine at any time in the future, they are most welcome.

Dirty bastard.

The other three award winners, for Best Self-Annalytical Blog, Best American Blog, and Best British Blog, are, as far as I can tell still working on their speeches. Joel, after initially being flushed with shock and surprise, seems to have slipped into a coma of speechlessness. As has Mike. We shall wait to see if this wears off.

As for Vanessa, well "Fuck!" can't really be all of your speech, can it?

And for all the winners, I present to you your award!

Choose your size, whack it in your sidebar html, and away you go!


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